Irish Joke Of The Day March Madness

Every year at family picnics my crazy Irish Uncles would sit around and drink and eat and tell Irish jokes and other jokes I should not publish here. There were hundreds of jokes and after 20 years we knew them all and rather than going through and telling the whole damn Joke we gave each joke a number so then we’d all just sit at the picnics eating and drinking and one of my uncles would call out “#47!” and we’d all just laugh our asses off! What a Family…

Irish Hooligan

In keeping with my Irish heritage, from now until March 17th I’ll be adding a new Irish Joke Of the day. I’ll make this post sticky until the 17th. Feel free to chime in in the comment area with your own Irish humor. Since I’m starting this off on March 2nd instead of the 1st I’ll give you 2 Irish jokes:

March 1 –  His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.

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March 2 –  Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

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March 3 – McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” he replied, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

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March 4 – “Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client.

“Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”

The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”

“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of bed.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

“What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”

“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady,

“Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”

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March 5 – Clancy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Clancy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Clancy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

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March 6 – An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

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March 7 – The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. “Before another day is ended,” he thundered, “somebody in this parish will die.” Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, “What’s so funny?” “Well!” spoke up the oldster, “I’m not a member of this parish.”

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March 8 – Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. “We’re planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year,” said one. “Oh you oughtn’t to do that,” said the other, “there are Irish there! It would be awful.” “Dear me!” said the first lady. “Well where are you going?” “Salisbury,” she replied. “But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!” the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. “Why don’t ye go t’ hell,” she suggested. “There be no Irish there!”

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March 9 – For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. “Hooray!” shouted the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!” “Yeah,” said Mulvaney. “An’ look at the size of the dog that’s bringin’ it!”

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March 10 –  One day a woman who owned a pet duck awoke to find her beloved animal lying still upon the floor. Deeply concerned, she rushed him to the local veterinarian, who was known to be a grumpy and contrary man.

The vet asked her to put her duck upon the examination table and prodded the waterfowl a few times with a biro. Nothing happened. Turning to the woman, he announced,

“Madam, your duck is dead. That’s gonna be 20 euro.”

Well, she became very upset upon hearing this and cried, “Surely it can’t be true! Isn’t there something else you can try – he just can’t be dead! Can I have a second opinion?”

At that the vet gave a sharp whistle and a black labrador retriever bounded into the room.

The dog approached the table, sniffed the duck a few times and then retreated, backwards, to the corner where he lay down and put his paws over his head.

“Now do you believe me?” the vet said to her again, “Your duck is dead.”

“What was that?!” she cried, “You call that a proper examination? I demand you give him a proper examination!”

The vet then made a “whshhh! Whshhhh!” sound and a cat entered the room. He leaped onto the table with the duck and carefully walked all around it, peering at it intently from all angles. Then he leapt to the floor, retreated next to the labrador and lay down, also putting its paws over its head.

“Well!” said the vet, “I think we can safely conclude that your duck is, indeed, dead.”

“You’re insane,” replied the woman. “I’m taking my duck and going to another veterinarian. Now, how much do I owe you again?”

“One hundred and forty euro,” replied the vet. The woman was shocked.

“Just a minute ago you said it was just twenty euro!” she cried.

“Yes,” replied the vet, “but since then we’ve had a cat scan and a lab report.”

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  March 11 –            Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband’s death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling Kathleen, ” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh, don’t talk.”

But he was insistent. “Kathleen,” he said in his tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.” “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kathleen. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right, go to sleep now.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.” Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.

“Hush now Patrick, don’t torment yourself. I know all about it,” she said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?”

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March 12 –  

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

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March 13 – An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry , Ireland . Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, ‘Ma’am did you know that you were speeding?’

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, ‘What did he say?’

Mick yells out, ‘He says you were speeding!’

The Garda said, ‘May I see your license, please ma’am?’

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, ‘What did he say?’

Once more, Mick, shouts out, ‘He wants to see your license!’

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, ‘I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.’

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, ‘What did he say?’

Mick yells very loudly, ‘He thinks he knows you!’

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March 14 –

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says to her, “What’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible! But he was always cheating on you, wasn’t he?”

“Yes, that he was.” she replied.

“So, at least that’s over, now isn’t it?” said the priest, trying to find at least a little good in Mary’s time of woe. “Tell me,” he went on, “did he have any last requests?”

“That he did, Father…”

“What did he ask, Mary?”

“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that gun!’”

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March 15 –  

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”

“Not a problem,” replied the doc. “Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid. Just terrible, doctor.”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

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March 16 – Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

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March 17–  

A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids…

“bejeesus,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL YOURS???”

“Yep they are all mine,” the flustered woman sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before she says, “Sit down Sheamus.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest — he is Sheamus.”

“OK, and who’s next?”

“Well, this one he is Sheamus, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Sheamus. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Sheamus!

“All right…,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here … are they ALL named Sheamus?”

The woman replied, “Well, yes — it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Sheamus!’ And when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Sheamus!’ and they all come running.’

And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Sheamus’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Sheamus.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

” I call them by their last names.”

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